the mall

I went with my kids to the mall today…

Incident I

A passing jerk brush my butt while im fighting with my kid to restrain him in his stroller… I look up, and see him looking back at me and smiling ya3ny eeh tara ana ra3y el7arakah! So the nanny shouts at him saying enta mafee kways! At that moment I wish I have taught her some nasty vocab K

Incident II

At the ATM machine, some kid, with a cheap Louis vuitton replica was in front of me…I couldn’t help but glimpse her balance its was 86,000 SAR… no comment

When it was my turn, I move forward, and the lady behind me was breathing under my neck, so I turn around and say momken shwaya? She moves from my left shoulder to my right shoulder?! Ya3ny lazim nethawash to get some space? Sounds like the story of my life lol

Incident III

At the elevator, me and a nice Syrian lady with also a stroller was waiting for the thing. Suddenly a group of three ladies and some doob cut the line and take our elevator !! la la that just didn’t happen, so I shout at them “ma tshoofona wagfeen? Mn jd en3adam el thoog” wesh trd 3ly wa7da mnhoom… la la I can’t believe it! Simply “kolee zag” and the elevator closes, and she disappears forever! Leaving me with a scared pride forever…me standing there with all my might, my prestige, my fancy bag, my education, my designer shoes, my behaved kids, well semi behaved kids…all in a moment disappeared when some zebalah akaltny zag in front of the nice Syrian lady :”(

Incident IV

During magrib prayer, I decided to pray while waiting for the driver, so I take out my prayer mat, and pray, another lady comes and prays beside me…while we’re 3ala haal 7aal, some lady comes behind us and say “ya a5waat ma’6hrkom ‘3eer 7a’9ary, ketha fe no9 elsoog razeen makwaeekom lelrjaal…fee blsoog mo9la”

What the hell?! Awalan, I can pray wherever, thanyan I don’t need to pray fee elmo9laa as im not required to a9lee jama3ah…and thirdly if there are men around they should be at elmo9alaa 3ala golk…so I’m prepared I’m gona talk back this time, aslm, I turn around and she’s not there K well of course, what do you expect from someone who preaches u while ur praying?!

So the lady besides me say “wallah enhaa 9adga, I only prayed here when I saw u” ya3ny loo kaan fee ayat ethm I’m responsible for it…I didn’t even bother acknowledging her statement as I was about a9fgaha…

Incident V

I finish prayer, and go to my kids, the nanny was giving my son some yogurt,  and there was a lady sitting beside her…so I tell the kids yalla lets go, then the lady says “warak ta5leen the nanny call ur kids ya 7ayati?!” I reply, well she hears me calling my kids that, and its not a bad word…she says “3yalk fee theemtk and rabee raa7 ya7sbk” I was this close to say to her “kolee tbn”

But I didn’t …I took my kids and left the place

On the way home, I look back at the mall, big building, with flashy brand names…but packed with idiots!

No comment!

to complete me

He called me twice this morning, bedeena bl mind games, “I love you” “I miss you” and anything you could think of!

I hate being mean, I hate being a bitch! This person whom I spent part of my life with, comes and say I love you, and I’m silent... I don’t know what to say, what do you say if you don’t feel it back?

My mom says “you being silent is misleading him, he would think you love him but your just pissed at him”.. but I told him before many times, I do not love you...i said it via phone, via email, and in person when he came to my family’s house. He’s either playing dumb, or just not getting it...

During my whole relationship with him, I never loved him passionately, glbee never yfz 3leeh... I will not deny, for a period, when I first had our daughter, yes I was grateful for him, he granted me a wish I always longed for...he helped me become a mother, and I loved him for that...and I guess I will always be grateful for him for making me a mother...and I guess that’s why I can’t be mean, I see him in his kids faces, how can hate him and part of him is in my kids, in el3yoon elle ashoof fehaa?!!!

But love? Love like elle bl ash3aaar or songs naah never happened! NEVER!... everyone around me knows that! It was so obvious throughout my marriage...everyone saw it, I never disrespected him once, but I also never loved him once...

He was never able to attract me... I’m attracted by intelligence, by intellect...i’m attracted by a man who is able to make me feel as his equal yet I choose to be weaker than him...never at any point in my relation with him I felt as an equal, nor I surrendered to be weaker than him...i was the one who took care of everything and everyone, from the smallest thing to the bigger things...he was more like my responsibility than my life companion...madree madree

Elmoshklaa they guy is not dumb, he’s very smart, but not the kind of smarts I’m attracted too... lol keef explain this?! I guess he’s not cultured enough? Never been exposed to the outside? Although he lived for around 8 years in the states...

I guess in relations its okay to be different, but we must respect our differences...for example he use to like syrian series, and I didn’t object to it, however he use to FORCE me to watch it with him...okay I accept that, now I will not force you to watch the tv shows I like, but at least let me watch it... he was like no! don’t watch this nonsense! I use to love LOST, he made it into something against el3ageedah! WTF?!

He will turn anything I like into 7aram, bad, immoral or just plain forbidden... my books, my music, my friends, and even my choice in make up or clothes...

God if you see me when I was with him... you will not imagine how different I was! Everyone, literally EVERYONE who saw me then and now they are shocked... I heard it from everyone, my staff, my family, my friends, colleagues, even people I only meet once during the marriage and once after noticed the difference...now I’m myself...

I would’ve accepted to change during the marriage, but not morph into someone completely else?! Delete my identity and turn into someone I dislike!! I’m sorry I didn’t sign up for that...

I want someone to complete me...not cancel me out!

I want him to move on, ya7l 3anee...find someone else and get busy with them..

Simple, yet soooo complicated...

Nostalgic breakfast

We went to breakfast at elements in the four season, it was fun, and yummy!
 
We left the place, and me and my sisters went to "the nail shop" at ladies elmamlakah it was fun overpriced but I enjoyed it el7amdellah bs the fillipinas gave me a headaches! One was doing my hands and the other one was doing my feet and they didn't stop talking for a second! Oh we were talking too ;p
 
 
While we're having our nails done, my sis asked if for a day u have no religion and away from all rules or taboos what would u do for a day?! I said for my day I will go on a date with a guy and then get laid loool they laughed and said u better ask him to take a blue pill 3ashaan ta7leeleen ur day loool afaa 3leekoom I'll leave him died before it strikes midnight lool
For them one said I'll steel money and the other one said I'll walk naked in the beach? Haah? Min jdkom? I know ma 3ndohom salfah! LoL
 
In the car my sis asked does anyone have any of najeeb mahfooth novels so I said I have a bunch but I think its with my things at husband's house.. So she says until when? Ela meta? When will he get over it?
 
I'm tired so tired mentally that is...I hate being on pause I hate being lonely I hate this situation ... I feel that the best years of my life are passing by... I guess the nostalgia of going to seasons today brought this up, It opened memories...
 
The memories of nights we spent over there, memories of waking up the day after feeling God my life could be better?! Feeling not happy...memories of having the hotel breakfast sitting opposite to each other, physically I'm there but mentally I'm somewhere else ... It was Me fighting my self to think its okay, try to smile at the boring stories , to act interested when listening, try to put a face when he tries to be romantic he's trying at least, don't be mean... Be patient when u try to explain ur opinions , be patient when u try to explain the funny stories...don't show ur boredom, don't show ur frustration, kooly tbn and just don't be u!

See I would've accepted this life, but he was not content with me as I was with him, he kept asking and demanding ... I hated the marriage and I hated my self with him...
 
Esh bk?! Snap out of it! Don't go there, don't think...don't sink don't sink in...stay afloat!
 
U will be fine...u will get what u want and u will be happy..u will find the person who wants to share his life with u, YOU as u are!...one day u will be up all night with him laughing in bed about silly jokes, he will play with ur hair until u fall asleep in his arms, he will join u in the shower every morning to make out with u , he will help u while cooking dinner at night and munch on half the food...he will share ur life...he will be ur life companion...
 
This will happen, I just need to be patient, I need to be positive...
 
Do u think it will happen? I hear about people who were happier in their second trials...happier in their second starts.
 
I guess its one of those days...

the fights we fight

Today my husband called me saying that the lawyer didn’t show up, esh el lawyer el unprofessional hathaa that your letting me deal with?! And how do you allow this? And how and how... he wanted to fight...

So I told him listen, take this week to tasta5eer, then go to the court, finalize the divorce, and I give you my word that I will take the week off to finalize everything else. But I will not do anything until you finalize the divorce.

He said okay go to the bank sign the papers and I’ll divorce you there! Imagine my life became a business deal, that’s witnessed by idiots at the bank?!!!  so I said I’m sorry I will never let you degrade me or patronize me in such a way...

So I said shoof, because you’re the father of my kids, and 7aag el3aesh wa el mel7 I do not wish to go to court and bad mouth you to get a divorce... I’m giving you the power! He replies sarcastically feek el 5aeer...

What can I say, then yeah he follows by saying, wa laa tabeen 6alag bl thalatha also? Then I say well I don’t care as long you don’t have the power to take me back without me knowing...!

He goes and say shoofy all of what you see in your work and life is because of your unfair treatment to me and your children... ohh bedena bl guilt trip, so I stop him and say please stop I will not allow this to go further, you have something to say go and talk to the lawyer or dbr nfsak, I will not allow you to play these mind games with me... I clearly told you what I want, I have nothing else to talk about, ma3 salamah...!

How did my life turn into a bargain? A deal? How did affection turn into hate? Conversations turn into fights? Decency turn into obscenity... is this marriage? Or this MY marriage? I don’t see my parents ketha, my siblings, my friends...so this is not marriage, this is not the norm, this is only my experience...

Well my beautiful morning didn’t last very long... lol

The hidden fights we fight with our selves, to be honorable, to be decent, to be just plain civil for the sake of any beautiful memory we once shared... for the sake of our kids who look up to us, for the sake of keeping a beautiful image of their parents in their eyes...

I need a hug...i need to go away and forget, I want to close my eyes and open them with me sitting somewhere beautiful reading a book, looking at people smiling, listen to music and laughs...no crying no arguments no fighting...!

One day,,,, one day my life will be perfect inshallah...i just need to be patient and complete this chapter...

Conceive

On the way home I see this guy on a Harley on el daary road... What is it with guys and Harleys? Ok afham u like el speed but they don't go that fast?! But what's with the gangs and leather suites? I just don't get it? Beside our house the Harley showroom and usually I see guys hanging out there ... Weird another thing on my list of mysteries lol with the guys with long nailed pinkies looool
 
So today at lunch me and the girls were taking about the fact if they remember when each of their kids was conceived lool adree ya 7ebenaa lehal swaleef :p
 
One of the girls says she only recall one of her kids cause they did it in the cabinet! Imagine loool
For me my daughter was laylat el 3eed lool my husband always claim that my daughter kanat 3eedetk ...bs it was at elfajr I woke up horny lool went and dressed up and sat on him... It was fun

While my son lool I wore an abaya with heels had make up and hair down loool we did it dogy style he had a scar on his thigh to prove it and we had a tear in the bed quilt loool to serve as a reminder..
 
So then we discussed does the way we conceive our kids effect their personality? LooL the cabinet lady said this kid loves hiding stuff... Well my daughter loves to dress up lol and my son loves banging stuff. LOooooOL adree very scientific

enjoy the view

On my way back home today, I stopped at the pharmacy to buy diapers for the kids, I bought four packs… so I come inside with them… as I sat to chat with my family, my sister asks me how much is the pack of pampers nowadays? When my son was little it was around 35 riyals… so I laughed and said double it! Its 70 riyals a pack ! my dad’s jaw dropped! Gaal mn jdk? I said yeah what do you expect… so my dad being the guy he is, said “I hope your keeping elfawateer” lol when I first left my husband my dad asked me to keep tabs on every halalah I spend on the kids, so I can later show it in court if I have to…so my dad thinks I’m doing that…

 A  while back I decided no I will not do that…what I spend on my kids I do it out of love… I will not collect proof!

 I look at my kids sleeping quietly in their beds, and feel so blessed and grateful for these peaceful moments…and I think of other parents,,,, parents with suffering kids, parents with hands over their ears to stop hearing the cries of their hungry child, parents with eyes wide open looking and searching for their lost child, parents with an aching heart looking behind glass at their sick child….i feel lucky, I feel happy… el7amdellah

But elmoshklaa I get these moments…I feel that my life is like this beautiful view from a window, but there’s this black spot on the glass that makes it incomplete…imperfect… and I have this fear that with time the spot will get bigger and bigger covering all of my beautiful view…or will it go the other way around? My lovely view will get bigger and brighter?

Or I can just learn to ignore this imperfection…? And enjoy the view?

elb5ooor

Yesterday I couldn't wake up early, I was soooo tired! So around 11 I force my self out of bed, take a shower, and clean my room, I was putting a book back in the cabinet, and I see a small box, I open it and I find some 3ood...so I decided ok raa7 ab5r my room.. So I turn on the thing and the scent of ba5oor fills the room... Suddenly I get this feeling of nostalgia! I remembered my self ab5r my husband before friday prayers the way my mom did with my dad, I remembered changing the sheets and cleaning the bedroom on wednesdays when he went to his family and I will end the cleaning ritual with ba5oor...

The memories ached my heart, not because I miss them, NOT at all! Its just the clear fact the all my efforts to make that marriage a success failed...!
 
I look at married couples around me, and I feel this pain inside, squeezing my heart... Why can't I have this? Why can't I have a home filled with love, laughter and commitment to make it work...to overcome the fights, the flaws, the mistakes, the ticks...!
 
I cried last night when I went to bed, why I'm not sure?! But I guess I needed it out of my system before the week start...
 
I guess everyone goes around with their backpack of troubles and problems.. This is part of growing up in this life... So as I walk to the office I look around I see faces with smiles hiding pain? Loneliness? Fear? Heartache? It could be anything...